Kathleen
Sullivan' Website: Eyewitness
to a Remarkable
Era in Covert Human History
It
is to
be noticed with
sorrow that this site has been removed as written by
Kathleen herself:
Yesterday,
I decided
to remove my personal
website at kathleen-sullivan.com,
partly to take some of the stress off myself of
having to keep it up, but also because it could have given way
too
much
information about me to clients who like to Google. Any way the
ex-NAFF site has not
continued.
My
autobiography, Unshackled: A Survivor's Story of Mind Control
first publication
in 2003 by Dandelion
Books
A
non-fictional account of
Kathleen Sullivan's
experiences as part of a criminal network that includes Intelligence
personnel,
military personnel, doctors and mental health professionals contracted
by the military and the CIA, criminal cult leaders and members,
pedophiles,
pornographers, drug dealers and Nazis.
Introduction:
memory
differences
My name is
Kathleen Sullivan.
I'm a survivor of more than 30 years of
sadistic
abuse, ritualized torture, and mentally controlled human slavery. I am
also the former victim and daughter of a man who specialized in
traumatizing
and programming children. My father, William Thomas Shirk (deceased)
was
personally tutored by a Nazi doctor I knew as both Dr. Black and Dr.
Schwarz.
I am now making my father's name public with his widow's permission.
I am co-founder of PARC-VRAMC, and at present of ex-North
American Freedom Foundation (NAFF) a
non-profit
organization
that teaches the public about the effects of certain types of trauma.
My
husband and I are developing a living memorial garden near Chattanooga,
Tennessee that honors the experiences and strengths of victims and
survivors
of these traumas.
Up until now, I've used the name Katherine to protect myself from
repercussions.
I was afraid of one of my relatives, who threatened to do me harm if I
say certain things. I've gotten to the point in my recovery where I'm
not
afraid of her anymore. So from now on, I'll be using my legal name,
Kathleen.
I apologize for any confusion this has caused any of you.
I have a lot of material to cover, so please hold your questions and
comments until after I'm done.
I'm going to share about the differences between short-term,
long-term
and traumatic memory. I'll talk about how memory transference
can
accidentally
be done. I'll discuss techniques I've used in retrieving memory. I'll
talk
about how electricity was used to erase and fragment my memories. And
finally,
I'll talk about screen memories and memory scrambles, and how they were
used in my life.
Three
kinds of memory
First, I want to
talk a little
bit about the human brain's way of
processing
short-term and long-term memory.
I'll be using quotes from Dr. Charles Whitfield's book, Memory
and Abuse: Remembering and Healing the Effects of Trauma
If you
want to learn more about how your brain stores and processes memory,
this
is the book to read. (Quotes are in italics.)
Information
comes into our
brain through our senses - sight, sound,
smell, taste, touch, and position. All experience enters the part of
our
brain that processes primary or short-term memory, where the
information
is either rehearsed or forgotten. However, important or rehearsed
memory
may enter our long-term or secondary memory where it is stored for
future
retrieval and us (p. 15-16).
One way to
rehearse
memory is to say
it aloud to ourselves or someone else. Another way to reinforce memory
is to listen to the information on a cassette tape over and over again.
Another way is to write the information down, like I do with my
journals.
Traumatic
memory is stored
differently. (Page 42) Whitfield
wrote that ordinary memory tends to be more conscious,
voluntary
and
flexible, while traumatic memory is usually more involuntary and
unconscious,
and is often rigid. Ordinary memory tends to be more oriented in time,
whereas traumatic memory is usually frozen outside of time . . . coming
more from our unconscious mind. And even while it is frozen in time,
when
it surfaces unconsciously or when we consciously remember it we feel
like
it is happening right now, at this very moment, as opposed to having
happened
in the past.
Trauma
memory is stored as
state-dependent memory. According
to Dr.Whitfield, state-dependent memory means we tend to
remember
better
when we are in the same inner or experiential state that we were in
when
we first experienced or learned something (p. 44).
This
is why survivors
and therapists talk so much about triggers.
Triggers
are stimuli
that we felt or experienced during the original trauma. The memory gets
attached in our mind to the triggers. And then later, encountering the
triggers again will bring up the memory of the trauma. This is an
example
of state-dependent memory. The effect of encountering the trigger
brings
up the memory. Without the trigger, the memory may never come
up.
Whitfield's
list of triggers and memory cues
(p.
46):
- Hearing another's story or observing
another's
struggle
and recovery
- Seeing a media presentation
- Reading recovery oriented literature
- A certain taste, odor or smell
- Being touched in a certain way
- Being in a safe relationship
- Being in an intimate relationship
- Normal developmental milestones and events
- Seeing a certain image or scene
- Working a recovery program
Another trigger
I've
experienced is a chemical change in my brain that
takes place when I use a chemical that affects my brain and body the
same
way they were affected by the chemical in the past. Blocking memory by
the use of a chemical is known as a drug screen.
Example: In my abnormal psychology class, our teacher advised students
who smoke marijuana not to do it while studying for exams. She
explained
that the chemical effect will attach to the information being studied.
Then during the exam, in order to remember what was studied, the
student
would need to smoke marijuana again. This is known as a drug screen;
the
absence of the drug blocks the retrieval of the information.
This is one reason why some ritual and mind-control perpetrators give
their victims drugs first, before teaching them or giving them
commands.
That way, the victims may need the same chemicals in their bodies
before
they can remember the training or information.
I tested this state dependent memory theory about 7 years ago. A
perpetrator
posing as a deprogrammer gave me some marijuana from Hawaii. He told me
to take it home and smoke it and see if it unlocked any memory. I did
it
in my basement while my husband sat and watched with a tape recorder. I
was amazed at how much I remembered about a long verbal message I had
couriered
to a politician in the past, about military maneuvers. The only problem
was that after the drug wore off, I again couldn't remember the
message.
I had to hear my voice on tape and look at my husband's notes, to know
what
I said.
I've also occasionally experimented with different types of alcohol,
since I drank it more than I care to remember, when with handlers and
other
abusers. Because I have a problem with chemical dependency, I'm always
careful not to overindulge anymore. When I experiment with different
types
of liquor, I notice that they do help unlock different types of memory.
Unfortunately, once the liquor wears off, I'm not able to retrieve the
memories again.
State-dependent memory is why one alter-state will emerge and give
a lot of information about certain events and people, and yet other
alter-states
that emerge won't know anything. We have to be in the altered state of
consciousness that we originally were in during the trauma or event, to
be able to remember it clearly. Another alternative is to have that
first
alter-state and another one out at the same time, so that the second
alter-state
can translate and speak for the first alter-state that's remembering.
When
that happens, the second alter-state can then store at least part of
the
first alter-state's memory too, so that more than one part has the
information.
This is the same as co-consciousness. Mental programmers and handlers
know
that when they traumatize their victim, the commands and information
will
go deeper into the mind than under any other conditions. This is
probably
the main reason why survivors of occult ritual abuse and mind-control
experimentation have had so many
different
memories of being traumatized. I personally believe that a lot of the
ritualized
trauma so many survivors experienced was deliberately done to horrify
the
victims, so that information and training given to them would go deeper
down inside.
Mental health professionals who
work with survivors of traumatic events
have discovered that if they are able to talk to survivors of trauma
within
several hours of the traumatic event, the victims are able to
internalize
the words of the healing professionals in a much deeper way than they
would
a day or week later.
Accidental
scrambling of memories
Now I want to talk
about a tricky
area in memory recovery
research
- accidental scrambling of
memories.
Please bear with me. I will explain where I'm going with this. I'm not
a member of the False Memory Syndrome Foundation and frankly, I think
the
basis of their so-called foundation is purely evil. However, that does
not mean that I don't believe my traumatic memories can't be
contaminated
after I've remembered them. I've talked with several therapists who are
very dedicated to helping trauma survivors. They have confirmed what
I've
learned. This information I'm about to give you is simply to
help
us
all sort out verifiable memories from those that can be used in a
negative
way to discredit us in public or in court. When traumatic
memories
emerge, they are in pure form. They are still flash-frozen from the
past.
However, as soon as I start talking about a traumatic memory I've just
recovered, it goes into a new storage area in my brain. In that new
area,
it can be changed without my even realizing it. This is why, when I
remember
a traumatic memory, I immediately write down the memory in detail,
before
I say a word about it to anyone, or watch TV or do anything else. I
want
to give you several documented examples of an accidental memory
scramble,
so you can understand how traumatic memories can be contaminated,
creating
problems for trauma survivors. I'm going to quote from an article I
found
in a recent Elle magazine (I don't know the month of issue), starting
on
page 266: Misremembrance of Things Past
by Sandy M.
Fernandez.
A 24-year-old blond woman was abducted, assaulted, and repeatedly raped
by a black man in Tyler, Texas. After he let her go, she picked out a
man's
picture from over 3400 mug shots police showed her. Ten days later, she
picked the same man out of a line-up as she burst into tears. At the
trial
the assistant DA asked her,
Is there any
doubt in your mind that this
is the man that raped you?
She said, I
know that's the man.
DA: Unquestionably?
She replied, Unquestionably.
Unfortunately,
she helped send the wrong man to prison. It took 16 years for him to be
freed when a DNA test proved he was not the rapist. The article went on
to show that when a traumatic memory is retrieved, another person
asking
questions can accidentally suggest information that can change the
memory.
The memory is then re-stored in the brain fresh, with the new/false
information
added.
Had that victim not been made to look at mug shots and a lineup, she
wouldn't have felt pressured to identify a picture. Although she would
have not identified the rapist that day, her visual memory of him would
have stayed much purer. By showing her thousands of mug shots, the
police
contaminated her memory without meaning to. Another incident cited in
the
magazine article was almost identical: again, a female rape victim
memorized
her attacker's facial features, and yet identified the wrong man out of
mug shots and a police lineup. Memory researchers call this unconscious
transferenc the substitution of one face for
another. A third
example of this happened in Australia.
Several years ago
... an
Australian ... had an unsettling - and
amazingly ironic - encounter with this phenomenon when he was accused
of
rape by a woman attacked in her house. Thomson had an airtight alibi -
he had been on television, doing a live interview. It turned out the
victim
had seen his face on her TV during the attack, and substituted one for
the other.
Now I want to explain why this is not an example of false memory
syndrome. A
false memory is one that did not previously exist. It is a
memory
pulled
out of the air about something that did not happen. It is not based on
a traumatic event; it is fabricated. In all three
cases
mentioned
in the article, the woman was raped by an attacker. Her trauma
was
genuine.
I've done something similar in my memory recovery work. I've mentally
confused the faces of men in some of my memories. For
example, I've
remembered handlers who looked like certain TV actors. Because I'm not
artistic, this was the only way I knew to describe them to others.
Unfortunately,
when I did that and then went back to the memories in my mind, I found
that I had replaced the true abusers' faces with those of the TV
actors,
and could no longer remember the true faces of the handlers.
Another example of memory transference is this: within a short period,
I have remembered two different traumas that had at least one
similarity.
Later, I described one of the traumas to somebody, only to discover
that
I had managed to pull details from the other trauma into it. This is
why,
if I'm telling a journalist about a memory, I now insist on referring
back
to the journal where I first wrote the trauma memory down.
Another example of memory transference is that when I allegedly
remembered
Michael Aquino as one of my overseas handlers, I remembered how to
pronounce
his last name correctly. Then I met with a perpetrator posing as a
deprogrammer,
who said it a different way and convinced me that his way of
pronouncing
it was correct. After that, I couldn't remember how I originally heard
it in memory. I think the perpetrator scrambled my memory so that if I
said Michael's last name the wrong way to people, I would discredit
myself.
Memory
retrieval
techniques
Now I'll talk
about the main
techniques I've used to retrieve and
preserve
the content of traumatic memories.
Dream journals are easiest for me to do, although sometimes the
contents
of dreams can wipe me out for a day or more. Dreams are our unconscious
mind's way of processing information that we aren't ready to remember.
Dreams are also used by our unconscious mind to gradually desensitize
us
to upsetting information. There have been weeks when I couldn't
remember
a single detail from each night's worth of dreaming, even though I knew
the dreams were very important. I've had nights where I seemed to wake
up constantly to write notes down from dreams I knew I wouldn't be able
to remember the next morning. I've had mornings when I woke up,
remembering
3 or 4 dreams in a row, in vivid detail. And yet I've had other
mornings
when I'd wake up and remember just a detail or two from a dream, and
then
it fuzzed out before I could start writing it down.
There is no right way to journal dreams, but I can tell you a few
things
that have helped me. First, I have a touch lamp on the table on my side
of our bed. I position it so that I can touch it without having to move
much. When I turn it on to write down a dream, I use the lowest light
to
keep from breaking my trance. I always keep a pen and a spiral-bound
notebook
beside my bed, open and ready to use. I keep the radio off when I go to
sleep and when I wake up, so no words or lyrics from the radio or
anything
visual from the TV will attach to my dreams. When I wake up, my very
patient
husband knows not to speak to me if he sees me reaching for my notepad.
I never, ever talk to him about what I've remembered until I have
written
down every last word.
If I sense the dream is mostly or all memory, I note that on the first
line of what I write about the dream. I divide my dreams into the
following
categories: "straight memory", "partly
symbolic",
"symbolic" "screen
memory" and "scrambled."
I'll explain screen memories and scrambles later. When I categorize my
dreams, it's with the awareness that I can change my mind about them
later.
I might initially believe one is purely symbolic, and realize later
that
it was probably straight memory. On the top of each page I write a
brief
synopsis of the dream, including any details that seem important.
The most important technique I've learned to use when I journal dreams
is this: using the memory of my peripheral vision, I scan the room or
vehicle
or whatever I was in, and I write the details of the environment, the
physical
features of the people I was with, my own physical features to give me
a clue of how old I was, and what kind and color clothes we wore. If I
saw windows, I write whether it was light or dark outside. If I saw
hardwood
trees, I note whether or not they had leaves. If I saw ground or a
parking
lot, I write the colors and textures. The same goes for the outside of
buildings. Inside, if I remembered walking down corridors or into
rooms, going up or down in elevators, whatever I could remember, I
write as
much detail as possible. I don't put off my dream journaling, because
later
on in the day I start to lose the memory again. Once I'm satisfied that
I've squeezed every tiny bit of information from the dreams, I put my
notepad
down and I get on with my day.
In order to really remember at least one or two dreams, I need between
9 and 10 hours of sound sleep. Because I do so much memory processing
in
my sleep, I don't get enough dreamless sleep if I wake up after just 8
hours. That keeps me from remembering my dreams. If I sleep an hour or
two longer, I'm usually able to remember several dreams in vivid
detail.
While I work on memories, I'm careful not to get so caught up in the
past that I use it to avoid living in the here and now. My therapist
borrowed
a saying that survivors who work on memories need to keep one foot in
the
past and one in the present. I spent several years working so hard on
retrieving
traumatic memories that I suffered a lot from major depression. I also
became agoraphobic and stopped trying to socialize with others. This
wasn't
healthy.
One obvious
problem with
keeping a journal is the risk of someone else
in the household reading it. I'm fortunate to have a husband who
respects
my privacy. Some survivors protect their privacy by putting their
journal
in a metal lock box under the bed. Other survivors give their journals
to their therapists to keep in the office, but this can be a problem
for
therapists with limited storage space.
Daytime journals are really a continuation of my dreamwork. Sometimes
I have the opportunity during the day to slip back into a mini-trance
and
retrieve more details from a dream. I use a small notepad I keep in my
purse to write the details down. When I'm done, I always write down the
current date on the page, because later on I may need to verify that I
remembered an event or detail before I read about it somewhere else.
Daytime journals are also good for writing about flashbacks and what
went on in therapy. Although I tend to err on the side of caution, I've
noticed that as I review older journals I seem to have
categorized
dreams
as symbolic or scrambled, whereas now I think they were probably mostly
or all straight memory. A long time ago, I decided to go
slow and
easy
on accepting my memories.This takes the pressure off of feeling a need
to prove that everything I remember is legitimate. I give myself the
luxury
of working through the emotional impact of the memories first, before I
look for verifications. When certain information recurs again and again
in flashbacks and dreams, I know it's probably information I need to
pay
close attention to.
Automatic writing is more intense for me. I did a lot of it in the
mid 1990's. I chose a room in the house to use when I wanted to
remember
more, in private. I told my teenaged daughter and husband not to
disturb
me under any circumstances. In that room, I either had a bed to sit on
or lots of pillows on the floor, so I would feel comfortable and safe.
I always kept a comfy afghan or quilt nearby. When I was ready to do
automatic
writing, I took off my shoes and any uncomfortable jewelry and
restrictive
clothes. I sat down and put my notepad, pen, colored pencils, art
paper,
and crayons within reach. I usually also had a cassette recorder ready
to use.
Then I relaxed on the bed or surrounded by pillows, and allowed my
mind to go into a deep trance. After that, alter-states or memories
would
emerge, and the writing or art work would begin. I only drank lukewarm
water because cold water and vivid tastes could break the trance. I
always
kept a box of Kleenex or Puffs with aloe vera, because I cried a lot. I
kept the TV and radio off. I placed a few favorite toys in the room, in
case the memories got rough. Since some parts were afraid to write or
talk,
I kept alphabetical refrigerator magnets for them to spell out words.
Then
another alter-state could write down the words.
Sometimes I needed to yell. I was fortunate to have a room that was
halfway underground and away from other houses. But when I didn't have
that luxury, I simply yelled into my pillow, as much and as long as I
needed
to. I also made sure that certain objects were available in case an
alter-state
emerged that held a lot of rage. I had a large punching bag in the
nearby
garage, and kept a plastic bat in the room, along with gloves to
protect
my hands from blisters.
I was always careful not to put the present date on any artwork or
journaling until after every possible bit of memory was retrieved and
documented, because by writing the present date, I brought myself back
to the here and now, which ended the trance state. Sometimes I'd do
automatic
writing for three or four hours straight, until I decided I'd had
enough
for the day. At that time I didn't have a computer, but a laptop would
have been useful since writing for hours can be painful. The biggest
problem
with doing automatic writing alone in a room was that I had no one to
comfort
me and be my witness. I was alone while reliving some pretty horrific
stuff.
This is not
something I'd
recommend to anyone, unless they have a good
internal support system set up between at least several mature
alter-states.
Even then it can be difficult and unpleasant work. I have to admit,
though,
that using automatic writing gave me my most important and verifiable
memories.
Right hand/left hand writing is an older therapeutic tool that has
helped me get past some amnesic barriers. By using my left hand, I
seemed
to be able to access memories stored in younger alter-states. I think
this
may be because I was probably born left-handed.
Freudian slips are fun to work with. My former mental programmers and
handlers used certain words, sometimes as code and sometimes as part of
their individual vocabularies. I always review my speech and writing,
as
well as my groceries, to see if any new or odd words or phrases are
starting
to pop up. One politician who
believed he owned me, used berry words a
lot when talking to me. I still have an overwhelming need to stock my
freezer
with strawberries and blueberries. I was flabbergasted one night to see
a film in which he talked about being in a crash during WWII, ending
up with a "strawberry" on his forehead.
I still overuse the words "big time," "frankly," "often" and "major."
I've ried to retrieve information connected to these words, but I don't
seem to be ready yet. These are all examples of Freudian slips. They
are
messages from my subconscious mind about suppressed memories and
information
I still haven't worked through.
Automatic typing and poetry are two things I like to do on my computer.
I use both methods to access information that is still somewhat blocked
out, but I can sense it's getting closer to the surface. I use
automatic
typing when I know parts want to share, and I'm not quite ready to know
their information in full. I know that my consciousness is not
accepting
the information those parts have, because some kind of trauma is
attached
to their memory. But if it's that close to my consciousness, I'm
willing
to pull it up. I sit at my computer and put myself into a trance. I've
been amazed at how many parts wrote, one after another, sometimes
having
long conversations about memories or problems I still wasn't aware of.
Typing poetry is a way for me to express strong emotions. I have a
lot of problems with expressing and tapping into my emotions,
especially
when they are strong. By allowing my creative side to come out, I'm
amazed
at how I express what's bothering me.
I have a notebook full of about ten years worth of poetry. By doing
poetry, I'm able to express enough of an emotion so that I don't dump
it
on someone I love. And sometimes, within the poetry, I find clues about
dangerous behaviors of people I'm still in denial about.
Artwork is something I'm not as comfortable doing. I am more of a word
person. I think it's because I saw so many horrible things. Still,
there
are times I find parts that best express themselves through artwork.
This
works especially well for nonverbal parts. I keep an artist's sketch
pad
handy when I'm home, along with crayons, charcoal, colored pencils and
pens. If parts need to do artwork, I again try to set up a private
place
so they won't be disturbed. Some of my artwork has given me clues that
I might not have gotten any other way.
Collages were something I did earlier on in my recovery. I'm not going
to share too much about them, because Annie has covered this subject
very
nicely. I used collages to identify programming and cues and triggers,
since parts were not free to write or talk about these things. I have a
stack of poster boards at home, with cut-out pictures and words from
magazines.
I'll pass around one collage that includes pictures of a theater
building
in Washington DC where I was allegedly taken to be debriefed and have
screen memories implanted after black ops. Please do not look at it if
you
think it may be triggering for you.
One of the things some of you know I love to do, is collect newspaper
cartoon strips. Once in a while I'll run across one that is absolutely
right-on about something I'm dealing with. I usually keep a shoe box in
front of my sofa in the living room. Once a year or so, I'll make a
collage
out of them. This is a more fun way of expressing myself.
Reviewing old journals is something I recently started. I didn't want
to. I'd started building a new life and didn't want to think about the
past anymore. However, I recently realized I'd re-repressed a lot of
memories.
This isn't good, because it means I went back into denial about certain
people in my life. I don't want them hurting or accessing me again. By
going back through my journals, I've discovered that yes, I did
re-repress
a lot of information. So this time, as I review the journals, I write
notes
about each memory to help me remember it more.
Another technique
I've used is
cassette recordings of groups of
alter-states
sharing memories. The nice bonus of doing this is that after I
integrate
or blend with the alter-states, I get to hear them again. Because I've
integrated a lot, I sometimes go into denial now about how fragmented I
was. The cassette tapes verify that I did have unique alter-states that
were very different from each other. I'll treasure these tapes for
probably
the rest of my life.
Stun
guns and ECT
Now I want to talk
a little bit
about electricity and how it
can
affect
or erase memory. Although my dad was an expert on
electricity,
being
a mechanical, chemical and electrical engineer, I am not. However, I
can
tell you how electroshock
(ECT)
and stun
guns affected my memory.
If anyone doesn't believe electricity can be used to erase memory,
I'll quote from an Associated Press news article, dated February 11,
2001.
This article may be triggering for some survivors.
LIMA, Peru - Demetrio
Chavez says torturers used drugs, electric
shocks and even drilled a hole in his head to make him forget about his
drug-trafficking partnership with Peru's chief of security. His story,
told to congressional investigators and TV cameras, is the latest to
fascinate
Peruvians as they unravel the lurid goings-on during the decade-long
rule
of former President Alberto Fujimori, which ended in November. Chavez's
story keeps the spotlight where it has been for months - [on a
spymaster]
who is believed to have fled Peru in a boat in October. I have
remembered
a regimen of combined drugs and forced electroshock (a.k.a. ECT) being
used on me many times, especially towards the end of my alleged forced
service with the CIA.
When I
remembered the electro-convulsive "therapy," I was very curious.
Could this explain why my memory about many of the covert ops, and also
of the rest of my past, is so terribly fragmented?
Last fall, in my abnormal psychology class, we watched a film from
the mid-1970's, Madness and Medicine Howard K. Smith was
the narrator. The film was about three things: psychiatric drugs and
treatment,
lobotomies, and ECT. It included an interview with a Dr. Grimm. As he
talked
about ECT, he stated that it caused confusion and disorientation. He
said
the patient would become emotionally disorganized. Then he said ECT
caused
brain injury. Several times in the film, people who were interviewed
emphasized
that the most consistent effect of ECT was memory loss - not only of
the
ECT itself, but also of other parts of the patient's life and
history.
I have had memories, from before the ECT assaults, in which I had alter
states that fully understood, and had full awareness of, what they were
used to do, allegedly by the CIA. The parts knew when, how, where, why
and who used them. But since the ECT's and forced drugs, even my
alter-states
seem to have fragmented memories, which is very frustrating.
I'm also aware that although I definitely had photographic memory when
I was younger, it's gone now. I can't help but wonder if this is
another
result of the ECT's and drugs. When I prepared for an exam in the past,
all I had to do was look at each page of notes and in the textbooks,
and
I could see them in my mind the next day. I didn't have to study at
all.
Now, I use several different memorization techniques and they still
don't
work all that well.
This past year, a friend sent me excerpts from Peter Breggin's book, Toxic
Psychiatry: H.C. Tien, a Michigan psychiatrist who
founded an
earlier
organization, the American Society for Electrotherapy, would draw
attention
in the late 1970's and early 80's from using shock to obliterate and
reprogram
the mind of a woman to make her a more suitable housewife." (P. 90)
[Tien]
utilized ECT to erase memory and personality. He used ECT to 'maximize
memory loss and for a very good reason,' which was to eradicate the
woman's
identity or personality in order to reprogram it." (P. 201) Now I'll
talk
about stun guns. I've had many memories that suddenly end just as a
handler
finishes doing something with me, or I switch and get out of control.
I've
had other memories that suddenly begin when I find myself inside a
building,
not knowing how I got there or where I was. These are not blackouts
where
parts are missing that hold the rest of the information. The memory is
completely gone.
I have many small,
circular
marks on my arms and other parts of my
body that are lacking in pigmentation - they are whiter than the rest
of
my skin and they shine in the sunlight. Whenever I looked at them I
sensed
they were from stun gun assaults. I finally got up the nerve to talk to
a former police officer who's now a private detective. Without saying
what
I thought the marks were from, I held out my right arm and showed him
the
marks. He told me they were from stun guns. I asked him how he knew. He
said they were identical to marks created on prisoners' arms after he
and other
officers
used stun guns on them. I still have difficulty looking at my forearms.
Every time I do, I feel such pain and anger about what was done to me.
I don't have another verification for this yet, but one programmer
claimed
that when a stun gun is held against a muscled area for a certain
number
of seconds, it can create about ten minutes of memory loss before the
application
and another ten minutes after. If this is true, then handlers might use
stun guns not only to torture and control their victims, but also to
wipe
out memory of short-term events, like getting out of a car and goin
inside
a building.
I've collected several different stun guns, to desensitize myself to
being around them. A handout came with one of them. It states that an
application
of over three seconds will "cause loss of balance and muscle control,
mental
confusion and disorientation." Another manufacturer's website states
that
if a stun gun is applied for five seconds, the person will feel as if
he
fell from a second story building onto a concrete sidewalk. I've read
where
stun guns can make a victim confused and dazed for up to 30 minutes. If
all of this is true, then the victim's brain is definitely affected by
the electricity. And if the brain is affected, it only makes sense that
stun gun applications can affect or even erase memory.
I know that some of my memories may never come back. This is something
I am still angry and grieving over. I am the sum of my experiences. To
erase some of my memory of my experiences is to take away pieces of who
I am. Permanent loss of memory is difficult to deal with and painful to
accept. It's a grieving process I'm not through yet. I still want all
of
my memory back, and it's difficult to accept that this may never
happen.
Screen
memories and
memory scrambles
Now I want to
share some of the
things I've learned over the years
about
externally induced screen memories and memory scrambles. I learned
about
both, as an involuntary assistant to programmers and as a victim of
ritual
abuse and mind control.
Some memories can seem absolutely valid to me when they first come
up, but when I talk about them to my support system, they look at me
funny
or with sympathy or disbelief, or they abruptly change the subject or
walk
away. Their reactions are sometimes a big clue that what I am
remembering
is so far away from "normal" reality that the memory may be a screen
memory.
- Screen memories are deliberately created in the minds
of
trauma victims
for at least five reasons:
- Screen memories confuse the victims both during the
event
and later on,
as the victims recover their memories.
- Screen memories block out memories of more serious
events
that the
perpetrators
do not want victims to remember and talk about
If the screen
memories are
sufficiently traumatic and/or bizarre,
victims
may spend so much time fixating on them and trying to understand them,
that they never get past them to what the screen memories were designed
to block out. (Example: after I was transported back to Georgia from
black
ops, I was forced to participate in occult rituals in Cobb County that
were so horrific
and upsetting, I was "stuck" whenever I remembered them. I couldn't
remember what happened before them until I realized they had been
designed
to keep me locked into remembering them, and nothing more.)
Screen memories were designed to discredit us as potential witnesses
in public and in court.
Screen memories can make us distrust ourselves and our other memories.
If screen memories seem crazy and unbelievable to us, we may not
realize
that other memories are completely valid.
Now I'll give you specific examples of screen memories that were put
in my mind by perpetrators. Again, if you need to leave the room to
stretch
your legs or get water or whatever, please feel free to do so.
A very simple
screen memory was
used on me as a child. After kiddy
porn shoots in or near Reading, Pennsylvania, my father took me halfway
across town to an ice cream store. I always ordered my favorite sundae,
butterscotch. Because the way the experience affected all of my senses
in a pleasant way, it's only natural that I would choose to lock into
that
memory of eating the sweet sundae over remembering the previous
experience
that it mercifully blocked.
Dad
especially liked using what he called acted-out scenarios to
develop
screen memories in victims. Acted-out scenarios were created by people
who pretended to be someone or somewhere they were not. Sometimes real
Hollywood actors and actresses were paid to participate. This was done
to trick and confuse the minds of victims, who were often drugged or
hypnotized
or both. Dad favored acted-out scenarios as opposed to using movies and
videos to create screen memories. I heard him argue more than once that
the more senses the handlers and programmers could engage in the
victim, the
harder it would be for the victim to believe that the screen memory
wasn't
a real event.
Here's
an example of an acted-out scenario or screen memory. When I
was very young, dad created a false previous life in my mind. Over
time,
he convinced a part of me that I was born in Australia and had lived in
a house with no windows. I believed I had loving parents and many
brothers
and sisters in Australia. Several years later, I was made to believe
that
bad people killed my parents, that my siblings disappeared or were
killed,
and that I sailed to America on a large wooden boat. I have since
remembered
that dad had adults and children act out these scenes in my presence,
starting in
a real house with no windows. As a child, I believed that what these
people
said and did was real. And because I had parents who did not love me,
it
was easy to believe I had really been born to parents who loved me in a
far away country.
On many
occasions, from early childhood through my adult years, dad
and other perpetrators told several of my alter-states that I was one
of
many illegitimate children of John F. Kennedy. Since I believed these
adults,
their words had a tremendous affect on my life, especially after the
president's
death. I felt obligated to serve the White House, since I believed my
father
the same man who emphasized serving our country. Because so many people
reinforced dad's words over the years, the idea that JFK could be my
father
has especially hard to let go of. I wanted to believe JFK was my
father.
Still, I've had to accept that my father was the man who raised me,
regardless
of who my sperm donor was.
At
least once, I was taken to what I believe is "Maggie Valley," a
fake Western town in North Carolina. I've identified the location from
footage on television. We dressed in outfits from the 1800's, and sat
in
wagon trains. When I remembered the wagon train, I was very confused. I
think that was the whole point of that acted out screen memory.
In
Washington DC, I was allegedly taken several times to a movie
theater
named Janus that is allegedly owned by the CIA. A middle aged male
handler
sat to my right and quickly put me in a hypnotic trance. As I watched
the
large movie screen, he told me that the movie was real and that I was
one
of the characters in it. I believed him, and the movie became another
screen
memory. This was usually done after an covert op. The people who
allegedly
ran me for the CIA chose movies that had at least one item or event in
them that paralleled the real op I had just been a part of. And again,
if
I remembered later, the movie would come up first as reality to me,
blocking
the memory of the op. I've since learned to scan the room in my memory,
using my peripheral vision. Seeing the handler sitting beside me in a
seat,
I know I'm dealing with another screen memory.
Later
in my adult years, my handlers used a newer technique. I was
put in rooms that had full, wall-sized movie screens on both sides and
in front of me. I was usually drugged or put in a trance, or both. My
handlers
made me sit in a stripped-down car that didn't go anywhere, although I
could turn the steering wheel and press the pedals. The movies on the
screens
would change simultaneously, which made me feel as if I were actually
driving
somewhere. This was probably done to confuse me about where I went
during
my stateside road trips.
Another
screen memory device was used on a regular basis in a library.
It was a large black goggle permanently attached to a machine in which
I could watch a video of my choice. These videos worked especially well
if my handlers pulled out child parts that couldn't distinguish movies
from reality.
On one
occasion, I was put in a fake room atop hydraulic lifts. The
fake "windows" inside the room were actually movie screens. The room
looked
just like the inside of a UFO. Powerful sound equipment was used.
Between
the equipment moving, the sound of blasting off, and the movies working
in sequence in the fake windows, I was supposed to believe I was
leaving
earth and going into space. Fortunately, I've been able to remember
seeing
the outside of the fake UFO, and the hydraulic equipment that supported
the bottom of it.
On another
occasion, a career politician I knew for a long time took
me into a large warehouse that was decorated to look like the inside of
a huge UFO. He didn't try to trick me with it; he let me look around as
if he was trying to impress me with his genius. I saw tall people
dressed
in alien costumes; their appearance did scare me a little, but I could
tell they were human.
This space travel theme was used on me again, allegedly at the Lockheed
plant in Marietta, Georgia. A large gutted plane sat on the parking
area
outside a warehouse. I and other people inside it were made to wear
costumes
that remind me of Star Trek. The other adults acted out their
preplanned
roles, drawing me into the story. I was made to believe I was a crew
member.
Again this was done to a part of me that didn't know better, so when I
first remembered the experience I believed the whole thing was real.
One screen memory was used constantly to convince me that I had
reported
to a former employer, either Maryland Casualty Company or Safeco
Insurance
Company, to do part-time temp work for extra pay. These screen memories
were also designed to block out memories of participating in covert
ops.
Sometimes, one of my former supervisors from Maryland Casualty Company
participated, which made the screen memories seem more real. Each time,
I would report to a commercial or government building that had an open
office area. I would be shown which desk to sit at. Then, either my
former
supervisor or someone posing as a supervisor would lay manila files in
front of me. When I returned home, all I would remember was that I just
did some temp work for a former employer. And to the best of my
knowledge,
I was never paid for the temp work I didn't do.
Another type of
screen memory
was going to garage sales. This was
especially
used during warm weather. A female handler would either invite me or
drive
me to a garage sale some distance from home. I would really go there,
and
sometimes bought a small item. From there, I'd be taken on another
covert
op. When I returned home, I would show my husband what I had bought at
the garage sale.
One screen memory
allegedly put
into my mind by mind-control expert
Michael Aquino was at Six Flags over Georgia. I reported to the large
carousel
atop a hill in the middle of the amusement park. The combination of
mirrors,
moving lights, calliope music, the carousel moving around and horses
going
up and down put me in a very deep trance. Michael allegedly met me
there
and took me from there for at least one black op. I was brought back
there
after the op was finished, and didn't realize I had just missed a day
or
more of my life. Because my husband at the time was allegedly one of my
many handlers, he helped me to believe I hadn't missed any days at all.
A more
benign screen memory was of pleasant events. My mother took
hundreds upon hundreds of pictures over the years when our family got
together.
She'd make sure the pictures showed us smiling and having a good time.
Then when I visited her, she would pull out all of the family photo
albums
and make me look through them, reinforcing in my mind that nothing bad
happened.
Sometimes
I've held onto screen memories because they protect me from
more serious and upsetting memories. If I'm not sure whether a memory
is
real or not, I'll just let it sit. If proofs come, then I know it may
be
legitimate. Otherwise, I just let it go. I've had so many memories,
that
I choose not to worry over every one. One more point I want to make
about
screen memories is that even though they may have been created to block
more serious events, they are all experiences. I did see the movie, or
I was in the fake UFO, or car that didn't move, or whatever. In that
way
they are legitimate memories, just maybe not the ones I need to be most
concerned with.
Memory scrambles
aren't the same as screen memories. Scrambles are
created by handlers to confuse or disorient the victim, either at the
time
or when the victim remembers the experience later on. If just one
detail
of the experience doesn't make sense, the handlers hope that their
victim
will then discount the entire memory. Or better yet, the victim will
talk
about the still-scrambled memory to others and will discredit his or
her
self. I'll give you a couple of examples from my own life.
Because
one of my handlers knew that I adored Robert Redford, he
decided
to hypnotize me and convince me that he was Redford. Every time I
looked
at the handler, both at that time and later in memory, I saw Redford's
face instead of his. But one time the trance broke and I saw the
handler's
real face. Redford looks a lot better.
Another
scramble was used on me a lot after stateside road trips. My
handlers sat me down at a table and laid a jumbled up cross-country
road
map in front of me. Each time, a handler pointed to a state that was in
the wrong place on the map. He or she would tell me that was where we'd
been. I believed it.
Many times, I was
hypnotized and made to believe I was attending a
class at school, when I was not.
Another
hypnotic scramble made me think that the helicopter I'd just
been in was a UFO or a tornado, because of the gusty air and loud sound
and the way it rose up off the ground.
I want
to share one more thing, and then I'll be done. Several years
ago, I participated in the CKLN radio series about mind-control. At
that time, I was still locked into the belief systems
of my former abusers. I also was still locked in to several screen
memories
and memory scrambles,
believing them totally valid. Since then, I've
done
more memory recovery and realized I'd discredited
myself by putting out
false information given me by the perpetrators. When I realized
this, I
was very embarrassed.
Now
I know that the existence of a screen memory can
actually
be
one proof that a survivor has been mentally controlled by a criminal
element
of our society.
Since
the interviews, I've grown more careful about which memories
I talk about in public. I may share screen and scrambled memories with
people in private; that's a different matter. Sometimes we need other
people
to help us figure out what was a true event and what was put in our
minds
by perpetrators.
I
believe the FMSF
is deliberately crying wolf about "false memories"
allegedly implanted by therapists and police, to divert the public's
attention
away from the true perpetrators who have been implanting screen
memories
and scrambles for decades, in the minds of unwilling victims. I'm
looking
forward to the day when the public and the court systems know enough
about
screen memories and scrambles, and the amount of work and money and
time
and technology it takes to create them. Then maybe they'll stop
listening
to the incessant propaganda of the FMSF and start
going after the real
"false memory" perpetrators.
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